Where Were You at 11:08PM?

As I sit here at 11:54PM I can’t help but write out my thoughts about the events of this evening.  I would consider myself a bit despondent, and definitely upset about what has happened on September 21, 2011.

In 2008 I wrote my first article about Troy Davis for the Maroon Tiger and I recall being extremely passionate about it–I wasn’t concerned about whether he was innocent or guilty.  I was concerned with the fact that the Georgia State Government was about to kill a man because they considered themselves the ultimate judgement on who lived and who died in this state that I live in.

My ultimate concern here is…how did we sit back and let this happen?

With that said, I have never protested, spoke out to my government, written any letters…or anything of the sort disagreeing completely publicly about the punishment that Troy Davis deserves or does not deserve.

Many of you may be thinking….”Randol, if you’re writing this now, why didn’t you say anything earlier?”  And the thing is….it’s not my place.  I am not the final judgement on who lives and who dies in this so called patriotic “just and fair” country that we live in.

I think the problem lies in the fact that I am far too optimistic when it comes to the expectations of the compassion (or apparently lack there of) of our Supreme Court.

Earlier today I was scheduled to have dinner with a friend of mine at 7PM.  When he canceled on me to go to Jackson, GA (where Davis was being executed) I made plans to go watch my friend play basketball at a church down the street from my current residence.  I stayed at my house watching every minute of the Troy Davis coverage until 7:10PM (10 minutes after he was scheduled to be executed) only to find out he was granted a reprieve because the Supreme Court was reconsidering whether or not he should be lethally injected tonight.

While at the basketball game, I found myself wondering…”how on earth can these people be going on about their lives like nothing is wrong? People are playing basketball, people are out having dinner, my friends are at work serving customers….and how?  How are you not glued to your television waiting to find out what happens?”

I was calling my parents and friends, checking my twitter timeline, and checking my AP News app to find out if he really had been killed.

Secretly, I had hoped, that I would go sleep tonight, Troy Davis would still be alive, and when I woke up in the morning, he would be sitting in his prison cell, granted clemency once again, and I could go about my life as normal.

But I find that difficult to do at the moment.

After the basketball game I met a friend of mine at a bar where I insisted the bartender turn on CNN as soon as I walked in the building  just so I could get some type of clarification on the fact that (in my mind) Troy Davis would be happily alive.  I found at around 11:15PM that Troy Davis had been killed by lethal injection at 11:08PM.

I was devastated.

Not to sound overly self-important, but I am used to things working out the way I see them in my mind.  And at this point, I am personally ashamed to say that I put so much faith in my Justice System that I actually believed in my heart and soul that everything would work out the way I expected it to.

Troy Davis may have very well been guilty of killing Mark MacPhail and God knows who else.  On the other hand, he may have been completely innocent (as he stated in his last words)….but how on earth is it any humans place to decide what type of punishment he deserves for his actions?

You can take a man out of jail at any time, but you can never bring him back from the grave.

Where the hell do we as a country get off, killing a man, who (supposedly) killed a man, to show that killing people is unacceptable?

My prayers are with not only the family of Troy Davis, but also the family of Mark MacPhail.

I’ll end with a bible verse.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer…Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.  Live in harmony with one another.  Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position….Do not repay anyone evil for evil.  Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.  Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge, I will repay,’ says the Lord.  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Romans 12: 12-21

 

There’s so much more I want to say, but there’s too many thoughts running through my mind.  kBe blessed.

The Dark Side Of Love

I went to lunch today with one of my good friends who inquired about why I don’t blog much anymore.  Versus supplying the typical excuse I feed to ordinary people (I’ve been busy, I lost interest…”insert more faux reasons here”), I just told her flat out that I haven’t been able to write recently because anything I say is just too personal.

But what is the point of a blog if you can’t talk about your personal life?  I’m not here by any means to put down those involved in my life, or to air anyone’s dirty laundry.  But I feel like if I do have readers, you guys are interested in what I have to say, and what is going on (or has gone on) in my life.

I’ve said all that to say, I apologize (profusely) if anyone is offended by the following entry in my blog.  I’m just trying to express my thoughts.  And I’m finished censoring myself.  So that’s my little disclaimer.

On with the show.  Not that I’m depressed or anything (who really knows at this point), but I’ve begun to wonder why I never write about the dark side of love.  I’ve built love up to be this thing that has taken over my life.  I obsess over it, I yearn for it, I’ve formed my entire world around it.

But then again, why shouldn’t I?  My faith (Christianity) itself is based on love.  I do believe we were put on this earth to not only find soul mates, but to love the people we surround ourselves with as well.

Perhaps my optimism about love has faded due to my past experiences.

I have dated a man who would have given me the world if I asked him to, and to this day, he has been the only person in the entire world I have taken for granted.  I claimed to love him, but how can I treat someone I love like a prop?  I had never considered myself a bad person until dating him.  (No worries, I no longer consider myself a bad person…there was a lot of aftermath).

Thinking back, the fact that I treated a person who loved me as if they didn’t matter, breaks my heart.  Who would have known that being treated the way I should be treated could make me feel so awful?

I was in love with a man who did not and would not love me back.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call unrequited love.  As Kate Winslet cleverly stated in “The Holiday” (my favorite movie), being the unloved one is like “being handicapped without the advantage of a great parking spot.”

I’ve written before about how being in love is this wonderful, life changing, pleasurable and satisfying state of bliss.  I don’t think I had considered how it felt when you’re the only one doing the “lovin’.”

Wait!  I must pay tribute to the other fillers in my love life—my first and only highschool boyfriend (distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder, just distant), a man who turned out to like men (bad judgment on my part), various guys my friends have introduced me to or set me up with….the list goes on.  Nobody ever said a girl like me didn’t have time for dating!

It probably doesn’t come as a shock to many of you that I’m in love right now.  And I am thrilled to say that he loves me back.  Perhaps every cloud does have a silver lining…

So why am I single right now? (Cue bomb dropping noise).

I am tired of hearing the feigned encouraging advice from my friends.  “You’re too good for him.” “He’s stupid and doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.” “You just have to be mean to him,” (the girl who gave me that advice is currently not in a good place).  Or my personal favorite, “whoever he is, you deserve better.”

And don’t mistake me for one of those “token black women” who is perpetually dating and conversely, perpetually single.  Men experience the same thing.  For some love seems so easy, but for the vast majority of my 20 something peers, that is not the case.

Why do we torture ourselves like this?  For eight years (I wasn’t allowed to date until I was sixteen, thanks mom!), every single aspect of my life has been influenced by my desire to fall in love.  We strive for that perfect body, look for the perfect job, and alter our characteristics to make up a perfect personality—and all for what?  So we can be the perfect person to be our perfect counterpart.

Screw perfect.  That crap doesn’t exist.

We are imperfect—every single one of us.

Since this entry is not some “woe is me,” manifesto, I will go ahead and lay the honest to God truth on all of you: we will never find the perfect person, but we can, and will, if we wait for it, find the perfect relationship.

So, is there a dark side of love?  Absolutely.  However, even though my confidence in the delight of love and companionship has dwindled ever so slightly, I’m still convinced that that perfectly imperfect relationship is out there waiting for every single one of us.

All we can do is keep hoping for, praying for, and anticipating it.

And in the meantime, remember that love is more than just getting married and having babies.  Family, friends, coworkers—I love every single person who has influenced my life—the good and the bad.  Because, let’s face it: they’ve made me who I am.  After all, it still is ALL about love, right?

The following is a post from Black n Bougie, I DID NOT write this.  Click the link to go to their site:

Season’s Greetings, y’all. I see you. I see more than a few of you single folk out there hustlin’ for a holiday hook-up, trying to stir up some cuddle cocoa, on the prowl for the Winter Boo… um-hmm. Nothing says Happy Holidays like some new-new. If you choose wisely, you get gifts, a snuggle buddy and ye all important date for New Year’s Eve. Score! Right?

Not. So. Fast.

I don’t mind if you ho-ho-ho your way through the holidays… do you, boo boo. But can you kindly share your intentions with the new main squeeze? If you are just in it for the cocoa, eggnog and a date to the company Christmas party? Let that be known. If I had a dollar for every Holiday Hook up that fizzled before Valentine’s Day? I’d be typing this post from my vacation home in Bali. While a cabana boy named Raoul brought me rum drinks in diamond glasses and seafood on a platinum platter. Yes, that many.

There is something both magical and macabre about this time of year. On the one hand, when celebrated in the true Reason for the Season, it’s great. An opportunity to catch up with family and friends, give and receive, reach out to less fortunate, all of that. Y’all know what I’m saying – get out there and spread tidings of comfort and joy already!

Well – and then there’s that. That forced gaiety. That “it’s Christmastime so why aren’t you happy” attitude. Some of y’all actually like snow and caroling and Secret Damn Santa. For others, it’s hard. They may not have loved ones or they may feel inadequate for not being able to give due to financial circumstances. I lost my father ten years ago around Thanskgiving so it always takes me a minute to get past that hurdle and realize he won’t be around for the holidays which he absolutely loved and made a big deal out of.

My point (wandering though it may be) – some people are especially vulnerable during this season. Goodness knows a brand new shiny boo can let you forget your troubles and get some happy. Vulnerable + holidays + pheromones = recipe for trouble. Have fun but just think about it. What happens after the mistletoe has come down and the sequined bustier is tucked away?

If you’re fortunate, whatever it was that brought you and your holiday honey together will last long after the snow has melted. If not, well blame it on the bourbon balls. But be careful, a cuddle cutie can have a few consequences that snuggling with your Snuggie doesn’t. Suit up and know who you’re sipping cocoa with. I know, I know… it’s cold outside. Folks gotta do what they gotta do. I’m just saying tread lightly, ice isn’t the only slippery slope out there.

Lie To Me

“Tell me the truth Frank, don’t you remember that?  We used to live by it.  And you know what’s so good about the truth?  Everyone knows what it is no matter how long they’ve lived without it.  Nobody forgets the truth Frank…they just get better at lying.”-April Wheeler, via Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates

My poker face is garbage–I can’t lie for the life of me.  Every time I try to tell someone something other than the truth, I end up stuttering, looking away, or visibly looking downright awkward.  I suppose I should appreciate this fact about myself, as I’m incredibly truthful (except when I just decide to omit the truth)…but sometimes I really do wish I could lie.

Why do I wish this upon myself?  Why do I wish I was a better liar?  Why do I want to lie?  better yet, why do any of us lie?

The fact of the matter is this: we lie to better the situations we put ourselves in.  Whether it’s lying to our friend about their appearnce to prevent them being upset with you or themselves, lying to our significant other about cheating so we don’t get dumped, or even lying to our peers about actions to make ourselves seem more appealing or desireable than we might be (because as Shakespeare said, “That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.”)–we lie to make our lives easier.

However, the consequences of lying are more often than not, greater than the complicated situations we strive to remove ourselves from.  First and foremost, almost every liar gets caught at one point or another. They (whoever they is) say that whatever is done in the dark will always come to the light, of which I am a firm believer.  But what about the inner conflict that lying causes?

Lying puts you in a very difficult position when it comes to your conscience.  When we lie about who we are, what our intentions might be, or what we have and haven’t done when it comes to our actions, we can actually begin to question who we actually are, who we would like to be, and who others perceive us to be.  Now April may have said that nobody can forget the truth, as they just become a better liar…but I think April is dead wrong.

What happens when we’re in so deep, that we actually succeed in believing our own lies?

This brings me to the conclusion that my longing to become a better liar would be quite the detrimental characteristic in my personality.  Even the smallest lie can throw us into a neverending downward spiral that is damaging to others and ourselves.

To tie this into relationships (because, after all, it’s ALL about love, right?), why throw a blanket over the truth?  One of my close friends stated (in a Facebook note of all places) that when it comes to relationships, lying creates an environment of distrust.  This is how the smallest of lies, like lying about where you are, can allow you to create bigger lies, like what you did to a person, or even worse, what your feelings may or may not be when it comes to them.  You get away with one…you think you can get away with them all–and meanwhile the guilt is weighing down on your conscience, while you are in the process of hurting someone you claim to love and care about.  It’s in these situations that we find ourselves tumbling down the rabbit hole of a relationship on its way to failure, because (and trust me, there’s no denying this) just as a house built on sand is bound to fall, a relationship surrounded by lies is doomed to fall apart.

Sadly, often times I find myself wishing that instead of being told the truth by someone I love, or by the stranger on the street–that they had just lied.  I think that the damage done to situations or self esteem or well being could have been evaded with just a few words.  Truth be told, you’ll never know what could have or would have happened had you told or been told the truth versus a lie in a miniscule or dire situation.  But my guess is that truth can almost always be more beneficial than falsehood due to desctruction it does to character.  It’s more than just getting caught, it’s about how it effects those around you, who you are as being, and who you might turn into as a result of your little white lies or big Bill Clinton lies (ha).

Lie to me!  Make me believe things are better than they are.  Save me from the oncoming conflict!

….or better yet, don’t.  I care too much about my psyche (and yours), and our relationship, to let them be damaged beyond repair.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”-Mark Twain

Dirty Shakespeare!

Check out this post in my other blog, (it’s ALL about love 2.0) for some dosage of a dirty great poet

Still having severe writers block.  New updates soon…when my brain stops being stubborn!

Brilliant Quote #492

You’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she’s no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she’s not for you.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Here’s a Little something we can all relate to, my from my favorite movie, The Holiday.  This quote comes from Iris, portrayed by Kate Winslet, who also happens to be my favorite actress.

Sorry I don’t write in here as often as I should.  I’m working on several entries, I just have to tailor them to be fit for the public eye.  Coming soon: “I think we should fracture up” and “Does your mate match up to your ideal?”

To commit or not to commit?

I go to the movies on average about 5 times a month…sometimes because I have nothing better to do.  However, this time of the year it just so happens that I’m on a bit of an Oscar mission, and it involves seeing any and every movie that might be nominated for an Oscar in the coming weeks.

I even watched The Young Victoria, a very boring account of Queen Victoria of Great Britan, and her marriage to Prince Albert.  Two hours of Emily Blunt throwing temper tantrums and being in love.  Joy.  I do have to say though, Emily Blunt is a great actress…

Anyway, the most recent Oscar film that caught my attention has been Up In The air, and ever since watching I’ve been fascinated with the topic of commitment.  Up In The Air tells the story of Ryan Bingham, a middle aged hired gun (he makes a living off of firing people) who spends the majority of his life away from his “home.”  As someone who spends 300 days plus away from any real ties in life…he finds it easier to live without attachments, responsibilities, or commitments that aren’t necessary to his every day life.  To convey his dedication to such a lifestyle, he also acts as a motivational speaker who constantly asks the question, “what’s in your backpack?”  Implying that any non-necessity links in your life will simply hold you back from what is important.

After contemplating the film for several days (I saw it like a week ago) I’m beginning to wonder…is unnecessary commitment, really necessary?

Sure we will all always have jobs, and families, and most of us will even have friends…and those all require a certain level of commitment in our lives.  But, speaking from experience, as someone who is easily detached from all things not-self-involved, Mr. Bingham may have been onto something….

Take for example romantic relationships.  Think about how many relationships you’ve had (that obviously haven’t worked out because you’re not in them anymore) and think about how much trouble could have been avoided without the unnecessary commitment of such an endeavor.  And sure every experience is a learning experience, but, did it set you back?  Did it hurt?  Did it possibly derail you being able to find the person you’re really meant to be with?

Or…what if there’s really not one person you’re meant to be with?  As statistics show (sorry if this sounds cynical…it’s more realistic than anything) only 50% of American marriages succeed, so what are we really holding out for?  A 50/50 chance of true passionate love?  Some people are willing to take that risk…while some aren’t exactly jumping at the opportunity.

When it comes to relationships and commitment, what if we are wasting our time and emotions…on things that just aren’t meant to be?  What if all this energy we put into our “romantic” commitments just ends up leaving us bruised and wounded?

How about those opportunities we get in our organizations, or side projects at our jobs, or favors asked from our friends…that eventually end up falling through?  You commit to doing something for someone who supposedly “needs” you…and then in the end, not only does it not work out, but it’s taken your time and focus from things that really are more important…yet another unnecessary commitment wasted.

Should we go all out for that guy or girl that we’re head over heels for?

Should we put time and energy into finding a spouse when there’s a good chance it will not end in rainbows and butterflies?

Should we make a promise to a friend or co-worker to carry out a task that could potentially jeopardize the things that really are necessary in life?

…Am I should-ing my pants too much?

I know what the million dollar question is….”Randol, what if it really does work out?”  And my answer is…it just has to be a chance you’re willing to take.  It’s up to each and every single one of us to decide who and what we really care about.

When Ryan Bignham asked his audiences about their big backpack burdens…he was simply trying to make a distinction between what’s important to an individual and what isn’t.  And if you’re willing to carry around the weight of something or someone you give a damn about…then I’d say it’s worth a shot.

What do you do when you think nobody is watching?

I’m a truck girl, always have been.  While most people would imagine me cruising around in a Mini Cooper or a VW Bug (I assume because I’m such a tiny person with a bit of a Euro personality), my dream vehicle is actually an Escalade EXT.  Yes, you read correctly, the small stature hippy dreams of driving a bad for the environment, over priced, enormous, AMERICAN, rapper-truck.
I’m sure it’s of no surprise to you, that Escalades run rampant all over Atlanta, and therefore I see them all the time.  However, it’s rare that I see a WOMAN driving one of these cars.  So naturally, as I was driving this afternoon and happened to see a pair of beautifully manicured nails hanging out the window of a GORGEOUS 2009 Escalade EXT, I had to pull up next to the car (being the nosy person I am) to see what type of woman was actually driving it.  Was she famous?  Was she suited up like a lawyer?  Was she rocking out to Metallica with piercings all over her body?  The questions were endless.
However, when I pulled up next to the gas guzzler, there were no more questions, only feelings of shock, and my mouth hung open.
This woman had her “beautifully manicured nails” of her right hand, jammed in her nose, picking.  She really was digging for treasure, I mean, seriously getting in there.  What disgusted me even more was not only the fact that she kept picking like nobody was around her at a very busy intersection…but that she pulled her index finger out, looked at it carefully, STUCK IT IN HER MOUTH, and then drove away when the light changed.
Just like that.  A female, in my dream car, picked her nose, ate her boogers, and probably thought no one would notice.
Now I apologize profusely for the ever so detailed account I just gave you, that probably has you making nasty faces at your computer screen, but such an experience simply got me wondering…what do people do when they think nobody is watching them?
In August of this year I moved into an apartment by myself and it’s my first time really being able to live in a space without being courteous of other peoples thoughts, actions, opinions, or needs.  This means I get the chance to walk around naked (no mental pictures please), leave clumps of hair in my shower drain, let clothes stay on the floor where they are taken off, watch whatever I want on MY television, wake up looking a H.A.M. (hot ass mess), and leave dishes in the sink for days…all because I don’t have to keep up appearances.
Furthermore, I think about my friends and past relationships.  As all of humanity knows, every girl gossips, and I’ve lost track of how many times I have heard or said, “Don’t tell *Person X* I said this but….” just to keep our names clean, while spreading the latest dirt that may or may not be true.
And what about cheating?  It’s often said that “what your partner doesn’t know can’t hurt them,” and that’s largely true.  You cheat, nobody finds out, and you go on being a happy couple, because no questions are ever asked.
Now with all that said, aren’t those bad habits?
My mother always told me that I shouldn’t do anything behind closed doors that I wouldn’t mind the public knowing.  Of course, that statement can be a bit overbearing, as there are some things people do that are meant to be private, but what if the things we do in private are rude, nasty, embarrassing, or just overall bad for us?  Maybe there are some habits and tendencies, that we just need to cease and desist.

Would you live in an unhealthy environment because nobody will ever see it?
Would you cheat on your partner if you were 100% sure they would never find out?
Would you seriously pick your nose and eat your boogers at a stoplight because you forgot your darkly tinted window was rolled down?

It’s only appropriate that we ask ourselves…what do we really do when we think nobody is watching?

Lost In Love?

“And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays.”-A Midsummer Night’s Dream (by William Shakespeare)

He may have been a little 16th century, but good old William knew his stuff.  A Midsummer Night’s Dream is one of Shakespeare’s comedies that containins bizzare love triangles of characters  who are having difficulties with their relationships because of unreqiuted love, dislike of friends and family members, and even tricks by the devious Puck, an elf who inhabits a forest.   The play attempts to portray that while beautiful, love is an entity that can be foiled by many obstacles.  However, many of Shakespeare’s other plays (comedies and tragedies alike) are love stories where the characters prove that no matter what life may throw at you, love can overcome anything.  This concept brings me to the question…is it at all possible to be so in love with someone, that nothing else matters?  That any problem can be solved?  Can you really be lost in love?

It feels amazing to love, and conversely, it feels amazing to be loved…so what could go wrong?  The first obstacle I took note of was distinguishing between wants and needs in a significant other.  People can list all day long what they think makes up their “perfect mate” but too often people fail to realize that what they want might be different from what they need.  Sure we all want a “lover” who is smart, good looking, funny, caring, considerate, and trustworthy.  Guys may also add to their list things like interested in sports, someone who picks up the tab every now and then, and a woman who knows how to cook, fulfills your wildest bedroom fantasies, and is somewhat submissive (to satisfy the ego of course)–while women often prefer men who are strong willed, physically strong, stylish, and willing to take care of them.
All of that is fine and well; but do we see how these characteristics can cause produce problematic consequences?  For the men, what if your woman upstages you in your sports knowledge making you feel inadequate?  What if her submissiveness is often mistaken for a lack of self confidence and personal agenda?  What if those wild bedroom fantasies make her seem a bit “too experienced” when it comes to sex?  And women: What if your strong willed man becomes too domineering?  What if his style turns a bit too metro?  And what happens when he’s so willing to take care of you, that you lose the knowledge of how to take care of yourself?

I understand that a lot of these characteristics would have to be taken to somewhat of an extreme to manifest themselves into a contrary outcome, but we can all agree that certain traits are more dominant than others in any partner we choose to deal with.  To make the point more unisex, what happens when our positives produce negative results?
While discussing this with an ex of mine (we broke up because of certain differences), he simply summed it up by saying, “you love who you love,” and that’s true.  It’s perfectly okay to love that a person may be witty, intelligent, and attractive beyond belief…but also to be totally incapable of explaining why you love their flaws as well…because let’s admit it, we all have flaws…and they often lead to disaster.

There’s no denying that problems will occur in any relationship, often as a result of character flaws in each partner, but what do you do when these problems are a result of circumstance versus personal fault?

For example, you and your significant other are head over heels in love with each other, but your families absolutely don’t get along–much like in the story where Lysander and Hermia have a fairytale love, but Hermia’s father, Egeus, forbids them to marry pending a death threat if they choose to go against his wishes.  Now of course, in the 21st century we’ve resorted to less medieval methods of expressing our dislike for our family’s significant others…but I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit that it’s extremely difficult to get around not getting along with your partners family and friends.  Do the people in this relationship continue on in their love despite their family’s wishes?  Or do they give into their foundations  pleas and break it off because some things can’t be dealt with?  Can love get you through that?
Can love get you through an insurmountable and obvious age difference?
Can love help you cope with sickness or death?
Can love get you through a time where your family needs support, and you can’t get a job?
Can love bring you out of a deep depression because you feel too burdened to go on?  Should your partner have to be burdened with the same problems you are facing…since the two of you are a unit?
Can love get you through the deepest and darkest of problems, that come across as unmanageable?
How difficult is too difficult?

My conclusion?  There’s no “supposed to” or “should” when it comes to love.  The entity itself is unpredictable and therefore cannot have a set of instructions, or a simple “How To” rule book.  You have to evaluate for yourself what you can personally tolerate and what you can’t–and therefore it may become necessary to have to make a choice between logic and love.

On the other hand, if love is as powerful and moving as we say it is, why can’t we use that love as a driving force to make it through our personal and collective perils?  Maybe all it requires is more affection, a bit of compromise, and a copious amount of creative thinking.

I’ll leave you with a quote from the dashing and intelligent Lysander of A Midsummer Night’s Dream: “Ay me, for ought that I could ever hear by tale or history; the course of love never did run smooth.”

It goes without saying that as long as there has been true, real, head-over-heels love, there’s been situations to challenge such feelings.  It’s not supposed to be easy, but from what I can tell…it sure seems worth it.

Domino Effect (A short story)

I felt like writing a short story and someone encouraged me to write about "finding out that your significant other is not the one."  So I tried.  No it’s not completely true, but I suppose I’ve taken bits and pieces of past relationships.  Enjoy?  Maybe?  Thanks!

 “Lavender and light grey” I stated.  “Those will be our wedding colors?  Okay?”
I had a bright smile on my face, and Nick responded with equal enthusiasm, “Grey is my favorite color, you’re getting better at this wedding game.”  He was beaming.
No, we weren’t actually getting married, but Nick and I played around like this all the time—discussing our unplanned engagement, deciding our children’s names, even going back and forth with a location we could retire to—anything to verbally cement our future together.  It was fun, though odd at times.

He was running late.
“Don’t you have to get going?” I asked, being able to tell that he was clearly annoyed.  He always tapped his foot like that when he was annoyed.
That was one thing I liked about Nick, he was consistent.  When he was annoyed, he tapped.  When he was mad at me, I got ignored.  When he was in a good mood, he couldn’t stop kissing me.  When he needed new clothes, we’d only shop online.  Nick had a routine, and I liked being able to tell what was going on inside his brain.  One problem though…he rarely verbally spoke his mind.
“Yeah I’m 20 minutes late already,” he replied.
“Why didn’t you just say that then?”
“I dunno, I like the wedding game maybe?” He looked uneasy.
“Um alright,” I said, worried, “well you’re coming over after, right?”
“We’ll see,” he responded.  “I’ll call.”
“Okay…well…love you!” I always had to say that before he walked out the door.
I heard the door shut.
No “I love you” back?  Hm.  Sure Nick was always consistent in his habits, but lately something had been off.  Like he was hiding something from me.  It was this small occurrence that started a long negative chain of thoughts about Nick and me.
I hated how sometimes I would be left in the dark.
The lack of a reciprocated “I love you” made me feel like a work in progress to him—like sometimes he loved me when we were enjoying the benefits of each other, but if at any point one of my flaws surfaced (or he just began to think of one for no apparent reason), I felt inadequate.  Should the man of my dreams ever make me feel this way?
I loved his flaws—his bad jokes, the “Marilyn Monroe Mole” above his lip, his terrible driving and refusal to ask for directions, his inconsiderate nature when it came to other peoples plans and schedules, even his big mouth (figuratively of course) which couldn’t keep a secret about our relationship if it wanted to.
Not only did Nick not love me despite my flaws, but he wanted me to change.  I couldn’t go a day without a reminder of my self-consciousness, my sailor’s mouth, my flirty habits, or my slightly embarrassing dancer feet.
My flaws were further highlighted when he would talk down to me, the way a father talks to his immature teenage daughter.  I do not wish to date my daddy.
“Focus on the positive” I told myself.
Nick and I had learned so much from each other.  We changed together, we grew together.  But what if we were growing apart?  I had already noticed that as we shared new experiences as a couple, our minds started to drift in different directions.  His focus on the physical, mine on the mental.  His concentration on my indiscretions, mine on the solving of problems.  His heart stuck in a place where he can do no wrong, and mine in a place where we learn from our mistakes.
As a so-called “couple,” were we steadily growing for the worse?

My thoughts were interrupted.
“Oh girls just wanna have fun!” my phone sang.  Nick was calling.
“Hey,” I said coolly, “was your meeting cancelled?”
“Yeah,” he replied.  “Can I come back over?  I was thinking we could have a little fun before I have my dinner tonight.”
That actually did sound tempting.  But I had plans.  “Sorry.  But Brittany is on her way to come get me, I need a dress for Friday’s party.”
“I’m trying to see you and you have to go buy a tiny piece of cloth for a party that’ll probably be full of guys hitting on you?”
Silence on my end.
“Baby you know I’m just kidding,” he explained in his attempted manly tone.
Bad joke.  “Just give me a call when you’re finished with dinner,” I suggested.
He sighed.  “Okay, love you baby.”
“Bye.”

Such a conversation just made me more aware of our inevitable end as young lovers.  Knowing a person doesn’t make them your soul mate, especially when you know you can’t live with an imperfect relationship.
Jumping out was easier than diving in, and it only took a tiny push.
Too much change, two different directions, onto a new beginning.

Brilliant Quote #347

 "Let’s call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust.  Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart.  Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, and some might even blame you.  No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation.  But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship?"

-Liz Tuccillo, He’s Just Not That Into You

Selfish vs. Selfless

Wooooooow, my blog.  Ha.  I haven’t seen this in a while.  But to lay it all out there right here, right now,  I’ll be needing this in the very near future.  I just moved back to Atlanta (for reasons I need not discuss) and I have my new apartment all to myself, no roommate.  At first I was worried about being alone in here all the time, but now that I’ve been alone with my thoughts for a bit, I’ve realized I’ve just got to write, and I’ve got to write a lot.
Funny story…I was helping a friend of mine earlier with some letters she was writing for future job possibilities and I realized…"wow, I really ought to be a writer with all the fantastic (and sometimes scary) thoughts going on in my head."
But who didn’t know that already?  Anyway, enough with tooting my own horn.  I just hope that SOMEONE wants to read the thoughts I’ll be posting here these next couple of months….at least the ones I’m confident enough to share with the World Wide Web (the rest just go in my diary that you won’t see until it’s an NYTimes Best Seller in 5 or 6 years).

On with the show!
Though I consider myself to be somewhat socially awkward, I am taken aback when I think about allllllll the different types of people I’ve had personal relationships with in these 22 years (because hey, it’s A LOT of people), especially my collegiate times.  I’m not just talking about the men I’ve involved myself with or the women (a select few of course) that I’ve decided to surround myself with as my close circle of friends…but also aquintances, people in clubs I’ve joined, and even people that I work with.  Somehow, almost all that people that I find myself personally attracted to…or that I attract as Randol, have been extremely selfish.
Now let me outline a few things before you go and flip your wig.
1. No, I am not talking about YOU…you who is currently reading this blog entry.  Well maybe I am.  I don’t know.  But I said that to say that this is a general trend I’ve noticed, not just a specific trait in one or two individuals.
2. I am by NO means, any type of saint here.  Though I think of myself as rather caring, I also know that I’m extremely selective with what I choose to care about.  Therefore, my perception of the needs and wants of others, is often different from what said persons might ACTUALLY need and/or want.
I’ll admit that I’m selfish.  I, at will, hurt myself and others without considering how it might effect those around me.  But I should say that I never conciously screw people over, just to put myself ahead of the curve.
3. This isn’t meant to be all negative and downtrodden.  I actually DO know, and am friends with, many many good people.  But we all have our flaws right?  P.S.-If you’re reading this, I love you!  Yay.

So with that said….I have a few questions to ask.  The first, why do I constantly find myself in shitty situations, because someone around me has decided to be selfish?  I mean really, being a selfish person myself, do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Seeking Selfish Men and Women to Befriend?"  I’ve never been a fan of the whole "opposites attract" theory, but it makes a tiny bit of sense now that I think about it.  Of course if I’m selfish, and I have a hard time accepting my flaws, why would I want to be around someone who exhibits the same thing?  I don’t want to see my friends being self destructive or thoughtless out of some unnecessary desire to fulfill their own wishes.  But let’s flip it, why do I really hang around people like myself?  Being around these "selfish" people has made me more aware of my own selfish actions, and therefore, enabled me to better understand why the people I love and care about take the courses of action that they take.  Is that selfish in itself?  To only pick friends and relationships that make me understand myself better?  Hopefully all you who have relationships with me are learning something too.
Secondly, when is it appropriate to put the needs of those you care about, before your own needs?  When is it OKAY to be selfless?  There’s a couple reasons why this question boggles my mind.  One (1), because since I tend to be rather stubborn, I fail mentally to see why someone might need what they think they need.  Call me dogmatic I suppose, I just always end up thinking I know what’s best.  And two (2), what gives any human the right to think they deserve the better in any situation?  Growing up, my mother always told me versions of the following: "It doesn’t matter what other people think," "Get yourself together first, and then worry about others," and the best of all, "You did the right thing, you’re better off without (person x) anyway."
But what if that’s not true?  In my experience, it certainly DOES matter what other people think.  What if as a loving caring woman, I’m supposed to worry about others?  And what if, in the end, my life would have been better with person x, even though, in my ever-so-troubled mind, I think I did the right thing?  Being selfless is mighty tricky, I’ve discovered, and there’s no correct way to go about it…because no matter how it ends, someone, somewhere (be it you, or that random stranger down the street) is more often than not, getting the short straw.  Sadly (or maybe not so sadly), most of the time, it’s you.  However, if one does decide to be selfless, will they end up basking in the glory of their good deed, therefore not realizing whatever consequences they may have brought upon themselves?  Isn’t that the way isn’t supposed to be?  Think THAT one over.
Lastly, are my "selfish" people, really selfish?  Or just self-obsessed?  Not saying that one is better than the other, but some peoples actions have got to be chalked up to more than just their selfish nature.  Perhaps some people are stuck inside their own tarnished heads, that they really DO believe that they know EVERYTHING.  I used to consider myself a version of this person, but upon realizing that I know very little, decided to just put myself in the "selfish" category versus self-obsessed.  I think the funny part about this is, these people consider themselves to be "so wise" and to have experienced "so much,"  fail to be aware of the illogic of their own actions.  The people who really think that they know you, better than you know yourself.  The people who are selective about experiences and lessons learned, to create their own agendas and conclusions.  I would call it stupid, but a better word would just be "blind-sighted."  I’d like to think that these people are few and far between, but as perviously stated, I know more than I care to admit.

Typing all this out, again, makes me feel a little selfish, as it is helping me better understand my own psyche.  But maybe it’ll give you a bit of insight too, into your own selfish life  Just kidding…sort of.  Ha.

Taxi Cab Confessions

I didn’t write this, my friend Antoine did.  But it’s so fantastic, I just had to post it here.  Here you go!

I liked you.
In fact, I might of wifed you.
Like damn, I would have dyked you
And had you staying inside, like stripes do
When I leave for the summer, I would’ve skyped you
You had me feeling like diabetes, type 2
Had me weak like the third day of swine flu
Never thought you’d stoop that low, and then swine flew
I stuck my neck out, which is the easiest way to break
Because caring this much isn’t the easiest thing to fake
I feel like a vampire, expressing that my heart is at the stake
And if I kiss the sun my feelings will never graduate
So I’ll roam the underworld stealing souls to find mine
Until you stop running circles around me like serpentine
Honestly I’m not really itching to be your Valentine
But I am interested in soothing your fears, call me Sir Calamine
And given the circumstances, I’d rather take my time
Because love isn’t automatic, and I’m in four wheel drive
Moving mountains, but the bolder won’t slide
Your heart’s in a cave being tormented by the slaves
Shackled and chained, terrified that you’ll runaway
For the simple fact that they can’t let go of yesterday
Memories of how he set you free, then snatched the day
Shot out your sun, then passed away
Leave the widows near windows weeping like willows
Because this doesn’t happen much, outside of dreams on your pillow
Where a guy doesn’t pad his scratch like brillow
Who’s also worth the weight, like a kilo
But if you do not understand a word of this lingo
Just know that I think you’re the one, like a single.

-Wally.Vega

www.UrbaneCulture.blogspot

.com

Finish The Sentence

1. My ex ……Is a total sneaker, and my parents love him more than they love me.

2. Maybe I should…..stop treating myself so poorly.  Wait.  I’m a stupid whore.  That’s a dumb idea.

3. I love …..love!

4. People would say that I’m ……too scatterbrained to function.

5. I don’t understand why…..you are reading this right now, because you could be doing something productive.  Like reading the Maroon Tiger.  Go read.  Now.

6. When I wake up in the morning ….I have a strong desire to go back to sleep, and not think about all the crap I have to do.

7. I lost ….respect for you.  Sorry!  You probably suck

8. Life is full of ……too much food.  Fatties.

9. My past is …..a bit of a blur.  How did all this happen?

10. I get annoyed by …..Gluttony.  And people who won’t leave me the eff alone about whatever bothers them.  Go complain to someone else, you’re blocking the sun

11. Parties are fun, not as fun as ……going to a ballet class and dancing my heart out.

12. I wish life was not ……..this hard.  Lol.

13. Dogs……are men.  But with cuter hair and noses.

14. Cats ……make me sneeze.  Ugh.  Allergies.

15. Tomorrow is …….Um.  April 9?  I don’t know.  That’s a weird question.

16. I have a low tolerance for….dumb people

17. If I had a million dollars …….Donate about half of it to save some wildlife.  Then I’d go shopping.

So cute.

Tomfoolery (I love that word).

I know it’s April Fool’s Day and all (worst holiday ever), but I really feel like something I saw this morning just HAS to be joke.
I’ve seen some pretty ignorant party flyers during my days in the AUC, but this one definitely takes the cake.  It takes a lot to offend me, but how can any self respecting woman actually WANT to attend this party after seeing the flyer?  Look below:

Are you kidding me?  Yes yes, "Thirsty Thursdays" and "Tipsy Tuesdays" have been popular events at Spelhouse since I’ve been here…but this kind of takes it to a new level.  Wet and wild Edition?  Ladies in bikinis drink free till 12?  Why the hell would I wear a bikini to a party?
I think the part that pisses me off the most is the girl on the flyer.  Is that what I’m supposed to dress like if I go to the party?  Does my crack have to hang out too?  Sorry boo…but you’re not advertising, you just look like a slut.
For anyone who’s curious, the Facebook invite for the invite goes on to further pub it’s event with lines like, "18 TO CUM 21 TO SWALLOW!!!!!!" and "VIP ROOM WITH STRIPPER POLE, POOL TABLES AND STRIPPERS!!!!!!"  Absolutely disgusting.
Is this a Gentlemen’s Club?  Wait no, is this an ignorant strip club?

I don’t know about you, but anyone who decides to attend this down right classless party, deserves a harsh verbal lashing, and a slap across the face.

Happy April Fools

How the heck do I post articles online?

Since The Maroon Tiger Website is not working in my favor right now as far as posting my work online, I’m posting it here!  Hopefully all my Marquette and Pitt friends will find this to your liking!
Oh and guys, this is just the first article, and I chose to focus more on the country versus the work we did…however, the second article (for Mwari Magazine, printing in April) will have an angle of a necessity for community service, and how that necessity was manifested by our trip to Guatemala.  Hope you guys all enjoy!  Oh!  And feel free to check out anything else on www.themaroontiger.com, Morehouse’s Newspaper Website

Guatemala Needs You
Randol Davis
RandolDavis@gmail.com
World & Local News Editor

Upon arriving in Guatemala City, the capitol of Guatemala, and the only city in the country with a substantial airport, one can already see by the scenery that they are in Latin America.  Volcanoes, ruins, and wetlands surround Guatemala City and the neighboring city of Antigua.  Despite the exsquisite biodiversity Guatemala has to offer, the Third World Country suffers from many ailments including lacking social services, and a weak economy.
Educational systems in Guatemala are few and far between.  Out of the 12,000 children residing in the former capitol of Antigua, only 1,000 of them will receive a primary education.  Fewer than that will go on to receive a secondary education, and thus, volunteer work is critical when it comes to schooling.
The lack of social services, in large part, contributes to the crumbling educational system in Guatemala.  One will be hard pressed to find a large quantity of social workers, post offices, government medical care agencis, or even substantial libraries in the city of Antigua.  There is obviously not enough government help to support the heavy population of the city.  
The economy in Guatemala has been largely crippled by its history of civil war and unfair agreements with other countries, namely the United States.  Inequitable trade policies, as well as a misuse of goods exported to the U.S, have devauled Guatemalan currency to one of the lowest in the world.  Guatemalans use the Quetzal, which is desired to have the same value as the American Dollar.  However, it currently takes eight Quetzales to equal one U.S. Dollar.
When it comes to society and gender roles, women are always suboordinate to men.  While many familes remain comfortable in this situation, the societal gender expectations, in many cases, have proved to have a negative impact on Guatemalan citizens.  
The majority of women in Guatemala have their first child between the ages of 14 and 17, and the second child shortly after.
Also, the percentage of women who have reported domestic abuse in Guatemala is strikingly high.
However, all hope is not lost.  Many initiatives are being taken throughout the country to improve these statistics.
One example is the Womens Cooperative of Santiago Samora.  The Cooperative serves as a battered womens shelter for females who have been abused by their husbands and want a way out.  Together, the three dozen women living at the cooperative own and operate their own textile business to support themselves while also selling coffee from a nearby plantation.
On another note, Guatemala relies heavily on tourism to sustain its economy.  Its aforementioned biodiversity, as well as it’s rich history and vibrant culture, draws tourists to the country all throughout the year.  
On any given night in Antigua, one will find many tourists wandering about to various bars, clubs, and restaurants, spending lots of American and even European money.
Aside from tourism, Guatemala is rich in natural resources, and is steadily exporting it’s most notable crops–fruit and coffee.
Even though the country is doing well in it’s specialized areas, it still needs a lot of assistance.
Encountour is an organization based out of New York that specializes in providing volunteer opportunities for college students across the globe, and has based it’s work out of Antigua Guatemala. 
This past spring break, students from Spelman College, Marquette University, The University of Pittsburg, and other colleges aligned with Encountour, visited Guatemala to do service work during the 2009 Spring Break Season.
Marcus Daniels, a senior at Morehouse College was appointed as a trip leader by Encountour, but later ended up not traveling to Guatemala with his fellow students.  
Students who participated in the volunteer opportunity this year took part in house construction for needy families, and environmental awareness activities to boost the country’s ecotourism.
The visiting students were exposed to a rigorous workweek while staying in home stays with Guatemalan familes in more rural areas of the country.  The students from Spelman and Marquette in particular were housed in the century-old "pueblo" of Alotenago, a Catholic town about 20 minutes outside of Antigua.
Encountour is always looking for students to lead trips to Guatemala from their schools, and is also looking to expand their travel range to other Latin American Countries in need.
For more information about how you can help with the struggle in Guatemala, or how to become involved with Encountour, please visit www.Encountour.com

Old MacDonalds Factory Farm

“Isn’t man an amazing animal?  He kills wildlife by the millions in order to protect his domestic animals and their feed.  Then he kills domestic animals by the billions and eats them.  This in turn kills man by the millions, because eating all those animals leads to degenerative–and fatal–health conditions like heart disease, kidney disease, and cancer.  So then man tortures and kills millions more animals to look for cures for these diseases.  Elsewhere, millions of other human beings are being killed by hunger and malnutrition because food they could eat is being used to fatten domestic animals.  Meanwhile, some people are dying of sad laughter at the absurdity of man, who kills so easily and so violently, and once a year sends out cards praying for ‘Peace on Earth.’”
-Preface from Old MacDonalds Factory Farm
by C. David Coates

Just thought I’d share that enlightening quote.
Short story coming soon.  Love.

i don’t even like riddles.

But www.thisisnottom.com is currently ruining my life!  You should go, if anything, just to see if you can do it.  I’ve passed the first four pages, and now I am on the George Washington page…let me know if you try it out

On more time here’s the link if you didn’t catch it the first time.  Enjoy!

I’ll get you started: "The quck brown fox jumped over the lazy dog"….what’s missing?

Update: 1:26AM and I got to the end…very anti-climactic lol.  One GW, two Youtube guys, and a random porcupine later…..I am going to bed.  Night

Do you like sweet potato?

She cooks you sweet potato, you don’t like aubergine
She knows to boil the kettle, when you hum bars from Grease
She senses you are lonely, but still she can’t be sure
And so she stands and waits, stands anticipating.

How can she become the psychic that she longs to be to understand you?

He brushes thoroughly
He know she likes fresh breath
He rushes to the station
He waits atop the steps
He’s brought with him a Mars Bar
She will not buy Nestle
And later he’ll perform
A love-lorn serenade, a trade

How can she become the psychic that she longs to be to understand you?

So give her information to help her fill the holes
Give an ounce of power so he does not feel controlled
Help her to acknowledge the pain that you are in
Give to him a glimpse of that beneath your skin

Now my inner dialogue is heaving with detest
I am a martyr and a victim and I need to be caressed
I hate that you negate me, I’m a ghost at beck and call
I’m falling and placating, and berating myself for staying

I’m a fool

He greets his stranger meekly, a thing that she accepts
She sees him waiting often, with chocolate on the steps
He senses she is lonely, she’s glad they finally met
They take each other’s hands walk into the sunset

Do you like sweet potato?

"Sweet Potato-Sia"